I am watching lights bounce on the shoulders of a migrating crowd. I am following strands of brown hair that float in the wake of a group of girls that just stampeded past. A plume of perfume passes by and I can’t help but close my eyes and let my mind slip into a simpler time when some one kissed me and meant it. I am brought back with a deep bass hit reverberating throughout the club, my rib cage rattles and the hairs on my neck are tingling. I can’t help but smile.
Its not the dance floor, the booze, the skanky women, the music, the lights, or even the possibility of sex that beings me joy. I lean back against the bar and look at the people I am with, eager participants staring longingly at the shiny skirt of a passing girl. I think about everything they hope to achieve by charging after them, into the crowd, into the button up shirts and suit pants and strapless tube tops and glitter. I wonder if in that moment before they decide, before action is taken and the exhilaration of the risk sets in, if they are happy.
I think about the people I have seen getting into their Escalades and Mercedes Benz, their Audi’s and BMW’s, and I think about what steps they took to get where they are, and if they put a lot of thought into where they are going. I want to live in their heads for a day and see the decisions they make, the information they seek, and the people they surround themselves with. I would call this my pursuit of happiness.
Happiness is subjective, pertaining to each individuals conditioned behaviors and perception on life experiences. Happiness for everyone is different. I find myself asking what is my happiness then? There is no set boundary we need to cross before we understand that we have achieved everything we want, and once we have gotten there does that necessarily mean we are happy about it?
I wonder this from time to time and if you saw me doing it you might think I was thinking of something funny, you would see me standing their smirking as I gaze out at a group of people or at a chair, most likely the wall. But my only real hope would be that at a glance someone would say that I was happy where I am. And I think that is the answer to my question.